4 guys walk to the gates of heaven (a drawn out joke about salvation)
Note: written in my car on my phone outside a coffee shop. Typos ahead
A guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven after climbing a ladder. And god asks him:
“Why should I let you in?”
And he says, “I was mad at the state of the world for so long, but then I realized you’re in control”
And God says, “and you were finally able to live peacefully with others and make friends?”
“Yeah”
Well they’re all going to hell. Even if I let you in, you’d be lonely here without your friends.
Another guy dies and is up at the gates of heaven.
“Why should I let you in?”
“I helped the poor”
“You did?”
“I always gave my time and money, and donated to many charitable causes”
“I’m sorry but I made them poor for a reason. You stubbornly fought me every step of the way. I don’t think you’d enjoy being up here with me.”
So God turns him away.
As the guy walks down the ladder he meets another guy with a Rolex watch and tells him “Oh God is gonna love you, turns out he doesn’t care about the poor”
So the rich man stands before God and God says “why should I let you in?”
“Well, I heard you like the wealthy”
God takes a look at the Rolex and asks, “how much did you spend on that watch?
“$50,000”
God says, “that’s too much. Should have saved your money” and sends him to hell.
Then a priest goes up to the gates of heaven and God says, “why should I let you in?”
And he says, “I lost many friends in pursuit of you. While others were making friends and money, I pursued you even though it cost me everything.”
And God says, “to be honest, I found it really flattering. But if let you in, this lifelong chase would come to a dramatic end. So you’re going to hell too”
“But how can you do this!!”
Then God turns to his son and says, “I’ll never find anyone good enough for heaven. Maybe I should just shut this whole thing down. But I don’t want to, it’s lonely up here.”
And Jesus says, lemme see what I can do.
So Jesus comes down to earth and says “look, you’ve all sinned and come short of the glory of God”
And continues, “I know my dad and I’ll help you get in”
And they kill him.
Jesus dies and goes up to heaven. And God says “welcome back my son! Tell me, how did it go?”
“They killed me”
“Why? You didn’t do anything wrong”
God says, “Yeah I’m definitely shutting heaven down now”
And Jesus says, “no, don’t”
“Why?”
“Because they’re sorry. I think some of them might even like you now”