The extra decade of youth is a failed experiment
Suburban dread, midtown dread, commitment problems, and work
What if we could be young for another 10 years? That’s the questions we’ve been asking for the last few decades. And it’s a stupid question.
I grabbed my laptop to go to a coffee shop midtown and I loved it. People are fashionable, working on interesting problems, reading interesting books. They’re optimistic. And yet, I don’t see faces quite as dejected, or wide-eyed as those around midtown. And I’m not talking about the druggies. There’s a papered-over dread. Lots of people are in their 30’s and single.
At 30, you’re thinking you’ve matured. You have. But you’re still incomplete. My brother is almost 30. He was a valedictorian in high school. He graduated from a top university, he gets paid well, and he’s single? There must be something wrong with him. Ok, so should he read a self-improvement book, try to heal from his trauma, or seek therapy? No. He’s fine they way he is. He looks around and sees everyone else no better than him, but the ship is sinking. Sure, he’s a guy so it’s not so desperate for him to find someone, but still. He’s probably on the way down. He’s not getting younger. I’m 30. A lot of the people I know are 30. Many are still either single or with a boyfriend / girlfriend. What the hell?
You’re probably mostly fine the way you are. This doesn’t even mean you’re a good person. But you’re ok, like most people are ok. Now think, if you’re playing a game where most people who play it lose an extra decade of their life, is there something wrong with you or is it the game? Does it matter? You’re playing a game and it’s a bad game. And when you try something new in the hope of fixing things, you end up choosing an even worse game. I know. I’ve been there.
One of my biggest problems is with commitment, and I’m not alone. I dropped out of college. If there’s anything I’m committed to, it’s comfort. I don’t need a fancy car, a fancy home, or any luxuries. As long as I can coast, I will. Gluttony, to put this bluntly. And when I am working hard, it’s for the hope that I can have nice things, a beautiful wife, etc. Gluttony is there too.
But where do I commit? What’s something that I chose to commit to, even though it was difficult? I can hardly think of anything that required a longer commitment than a couple years. High school? Not really, because I didn’t have a better choice. College? I dropped out. A job? Only about 2 years at most. A girlfriend? I don’t think this counts. My relationship with me ex? I have to deal with her. She has to deal with me. My daughter? She’s a joy. I can hardly think of anything.
But think about this. 2 years. That’s still a commitment. Imagine you committed to your gf/bf for 2 years. That’s huge. Nobody does this. People stay in relationships for this long, but it’s a different matter altogether to commit for that long. Now, marriages are supposed to be forever, but even with possibility of divorce, it’s still quite a commitment. Buying a home is a commitment. But often there’s still an element of giving up the future for the present rather than vice versa.
Maybe you propose to your girlfriend so you don’t lose her. Maybe you buy a house because it makes sense financially, and you wanna stay put because you’re comfortable where you are. These aren’t exactly sacrifices. I’m talking about where you have something you want right in front of you and you still say no. Now that’s tough.
In the suburbs, people have dread too. It’s not their optimism attempting to drown out the drum of time, but the crushing burden of responsibility. It’s heavy. You can feel it sometimes. People have problems that if they fuck up, their kids, their spouse, and their entire social network will bear for life. And it’s not like a breakup where you might find someone new. No. You might actually be done for. You have a house to pay for and you need, need, neeeeeed your job. You have kids. If you’re a connoisseur of dread, this is a special kind you just have to try.
The trad thing tries to bring some of the past back. Having a family is seen as a good thing. But let’s not forget, the people who are having families aren’t exactly what you’d call “living their best lives”. They’re probably suffering more than you. They sort of put up with it because they also have kids who can bring more joy than you might think possible. But don’t forget that there’s a price for it.
Arguably, a lot of the technology we enjoy exists because people so desperately don’t want to sacrifice. Think about that. You could say all this tech shows how advanced we are, or you could say it’s sad that we’re trying to patch up our failures with things we can buy. And then instead of looking inward, we blame capitalism or “society”. I’m sorry, but we’re all society. We’re all to blame. In fact, we’re sort of bad people.
It sucks when someone doesn’t wanna commit to you. It suggests that you’re so bad and your flaws are irredeemable. “Red flags”, as they’re called. But I’d say the biggest red flag is a lack of commitment to anything long-term. Some of the best times in my life have been when I mentally “committed” to people. This has a great effect. People like me. But it’s not that people like me, it’s that people crave this thing. We might even call it “community”. We know that when we’re are bought in, we’ll work our asses off. We desperately look for people to commit to us, and try to make it as easy as possible for them to do so. That’s what self help, therapy, etc is all about, isn’t it? We find that we’re shitty people that other quality people don’t wanna be around.
The shittiest quality to have is to throw a person away. And yet, because we so desperately want connection, we’re also willing to work our asses off for it. But we’re not willing to work our asses off for commitment, only the option to exit, to find better friends, and so on. This is maybe why people often defect against some hard workers. They see these people climbing up and leaving people behind. And you know that if this person stands out, then everyone else can help you take this one person down a couple notches.
We’re cruel. We do it so subtly, and by the book, but it’s still cruel how disposable we see each other. It’s difficult to sacrifice, and the best time to do it is when we don’t want to or need to. The best time is to give something up now for something in the future. And it’s not to get away from people, but to get closer to them.
Imagine how bizarre this would be… you tell someone your problems, and instead of them trying to relate, or avoiding you, something else happens. This person isn’t concerned with questions like “what should I say?”. Instead, they’re thinking this is an opportunity for them to show you how much they really care about you. And imagine they approach it like it’s a completely solvable problem. It’s not like they try to give you a solution. No, they’re gonna stick with you because they know you’ll get through it. They’re looking forward to getting through it like a person doing a cold shower challenge for a week. It’s not so much the pain, but what it means. I think that’s what we want. The pain will come our way anyways. We might as well train for it with love.
There is a way in which we should be like children. I have to believe this is true because Jesus said it and people still reference him guy like he’s a contemporary thinker. People try to appear younger, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I mean have a youthful optimism about the world. When you cut someone off, what they experience is a mini form of non-fatal death. You’re imposing premature aging on the youthfulness of their soul. That’s what being ostracized feels like. And these people then may end up finding their strength, working hard, and end up being the ones to leave you behind.
So I guess the solution is to pre-commit to people. Do it with your parents, friends, coworkers, and so on. In the last company I worked at, I wanted so badly to quit—I couldn’t get along with the team lead. Instead, I got fired and it was beautiful. I knew I gave it my all. Even the guy liked me a little on the way out. Sure, he was happy that I left, but I left on his terms, not mine. I left believing in the team.