Merely thinking about divorce means you’re open to the possibility, which means you believe you can imagine a scenario where it can happen, which means there’s not enough trust in your relationship, which means you shouldn’t get married.
And so, even though divorce is so common that it affects nearly everyone, thinking about divorce is highly discouraged because of what is says about you. Considering this, it’s no wonder why the divorce rate has hardly budged in the last few decades. Despite it being such an important problem, it’s practically a thought crime to think about it.
Commitment is a magical thing if you can manage it
I have a friend with a likable personality. She told me that her ex has adopted some of her qualities, and she didn’t feel too good about it. She doesn’t like the idea that some new girl is gonna like this guy more as a result. I think she didn’t like the thought of herself being the sucker. How can you invest in someone new if they might leave you?
Imagine you’re the winning bid on a house. You’re excited. You move in and get to work. You plant a garden, fix the leaky roof, and redo the floorboards. Time goes by. You go away on vacation for a week. You come home and you see another family living in your home. You’re outraged, but they tell you that they outbid you, and now technically own the home. They say it’s perfectly legal because you’re getting your money back and that this possibility was spelled out when you bought the house.
Yes, I’m comparing marriage to property, but it’s important. You don’t want someone else to gain from your hard work. If my friend knew her relationship wouldn’t last, she wouldn’t have put in effort. If you knew someone else could swoop in and take your home, you wouldn’t fix it up. You would treat it like a rental. There’s little reason to invest without commitment.
However, investing in every person you meet is a sucker’s strategy. You don’t want to be the sucker, and you also don’t want to be in a relationship with one. You quickly lose respect for them.
You know what they say: “all is fair in love and war”
If you marry someone you trust, there’s a real temptation to taking advantage of that trust. However, if you don’t trust them, how can you make a lifelong commitment to them? What you have is a signed legal contract, which is close, but not the same thing as a personal commitment.
Divorce also says a lot about you. It either says you’re the sucker or you’re the defector. Neither is a good sign. If a man says “till death do us apart” and later files for divorce, how can he be trusted the next time he makes the same promise? Likewise, if someone’s divorced you, then maybe you’re hell to live with.
How do we fix this?
There are places where divorce rates are low, and we sort of don’t want to look. If we did, we’d soon Goodhart the signal to death.